Thursday, December 29, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Living without the physical presence of my mother is so strange and so lonely. My mother’s will to live was so strong that against all odds she lived to be 90 years old. As a child I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world. I had the most magnificent mother. I was a very sensitive and very happy child. I owe so much of my happiness to my mother who recognized my sensitivity, nurtured it and cherished it. She always let me express my feelings and would lay on my bed for hours talking to me and guiding me making me feel that I was the most unique, extraordinary, special child in the world.
I am so thankful for the incredible love she gave to me and it is that love that sustained me through these last years with her, for the love was greater than any of the mental or physical challenges that she and I faced together. It is a beautiful circle of love that I felt and continued to feel that way about her all of her life. We liked to say that we were a mutual admiration society.
As my mother entered the fullness of her advanced years and her memory no longer served her, I felt honored and privileged to do for her the many kind and loving things she had always done for me. We spent hours and hours talking as I now laid on her bed and the circle of love just continued. I truly do not feel that words are adequate to describe her. Her loving light was so bright that it is still shining and I will feel it sustaining me for the rest of my life.
She adored every single one of us. She cherished every moment spent with us. She had a love of life and an incredible capacity for enjoying the smallest of things, making her every day life sweet and happy and making everyone around her feel that way too.
In her later years bit by bit her memory began to fade until she no longer remembered the family relationships, who went with who, or what their relationship was to her but she still could feel the love she felt for them and them for her and that is all that mattered. She once told me she could feel the love I had for her pouring out of me. She thankfully always remembered me and the incredible loving bond we had. I remember saying to her “You can forget anything and everything Mommy, it doesn’t matter, but don’t ever forget me.” And she didn’t. She was and is my sweetest and dearest inspiration.
Being a firsthand witness to her accelerating dementia was heartbreaking but also fascinating. As her memory left her she gained a wisdom that was profound and enlightening. She was I believe so close to Heaven that she was living in two worlds. She was operating on pure feeling, without any rules, without any filters. I found this to be quite a magnificent thing and I cherished the hours we spent together as she blessed me with her great pearls of wisdom. It was interesting to me to see how this stage in one’s life is perceived. If you only allow yourself to see what it appears the person in this state is presenting it is easy to treat them like a child. It is wise to take the time and take a deeper look for the treasure that lies within is priceless beyond measure.
It was amazing to me to see how people reacted to my mother as she unabashedly would tell them she loved them or that they were so beautiful. Doctors and nurses especially fell madly in love with her. We had a grand old time at all her appointments. Her new Dr. took her at first to be just another elderly patient. After a few visits however she won him over completely. His delight upon seeing her and their hilarious banter back and forth was priceless. I was always sorry that I did not have my video camera filming these exchanges.
My mother’s sense of humor always kept me in stitches. We laughed as much as we loved, which was the icing on the cake. And just about everything reminded her of a song and as we all know she remembered every song ever written. I always told her she was like a living musical, and I adored that about her too. She had an enormous capacity for love and this is what I miss the most. All of my life she showered this radiant love upon me and there is nothing in this world that can ever replace that.
How perfect it has been that I breathed my first breath with my beautiful mother and she breathed her last breath with me. I could feel her making her way home and I felt I was talking and guiding her to heaven. It was so beautiful. I am honored to have been her daughter. I am blessed forever by her incredible love. I thank God for all he has given. I know that my mother is now at peace and that the rejoicing in heaven upon her arrival was just spectacular. How lucky they are to have her and how wonderful and comforting that she is now home. As she gave us all a bit of heaven on earth through her shining light and love, I know that she is right where she belongs.
To all who surrounded her and cared for her and for me during all her years and especially in her final weeks and days I am forever grateful. I love each and every one of you and will carry you all in my hearts forever. My mother gave of herself in every possible way. What she gave to me can never be put into words, it remains in my heart forever. In many ways I am very much my mother but in her most extraordinary ways I can only try to emulate the magnificent example she was to me and to everyone.
I can only hope that a bit of my darling mother’s beautiful light is shining out through me.
I love you Mommy. Thank you, thank you, thank you.